When I created this blog, I had every intention of updating it on a daily basis. More importantly, I created it to have an outlet where I could get out all of my thoughts and experiences about motherhood, good and bad. That's why my "tag-line" is "always honest and sometime humorous." Unfortuantly, I don't feel like I've done this at all. I've occasionally griped about how Jack annoys me or about how I have no time, but really this blog as become more of an electronic baby book with photos, highlights, and milestone updates more than anything else. Therefore, at this moment, right now, I'm going to use this post to exclaim:
"Sometimes I just wish Jack would leave me the F*uck alone!"
There! That feels better.
But in all seriousness, I feel like I have this thought at least once a day. And then I feel terrible about myself. I truly feel like I'm a bad parent. Or at least not as great of a parent as I always thought I'd be. Growing up, I always knew I wanted a family. I thought being the "best mom in the world" would come naturally to me. Let me tell you, it does not. Not always anyway. My first instinct is not always to put Jack first. Sometimes (Ok. Let's be honest, often times) I have to seriously put effort into spending time with Jack and not completely ignoring him. I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that Jack has such a fondness for reading and wants me to read him 15 books a day and I shouldn't discourage him by saying, "No! I don't want to read you that book. We've read it 3 times today and I really want to watch Jeopardy!"
Does this make me a bad mother? Maybe some people would think so. I know I have a tendency to think so. I expect more from myself. I feel like being completely selfless should come naturally, and the fact that it doesn't must make me a mediocre parent. But you know what I'm really thankful for? The fact that when I might be "slipping" on my motherly duties, I have people in my life who pick up the slack for me. You know the saying, "It' takes a village to raise a child?" Well I really believe that. And of course my number one man who is there to take over for me is Josh. Josh has the uncanny ability to realize when I'm at a point where I need Jack to quit hanging on me and need some alone time. The perfect example being right now. I've had to stop three times now while writing this post to do the exact same puzzle with Jack (a puzzle that before dinner we had already done 3 times). As soon as I sat down to type again, Jack was at my side begging to me, "One more! One more!" as he shoved the puzzle in my lap. Josh came to the rescue and scooped Jack away without me even having to ask and they are now playing in his room.
But it's not just Josh. It's the other people that care for him too. I can say with 100% honesty that I'm happy Jack has to go to daycare. I've been so fortunate in having Stephanie and Sara in our lives. Both Sara, and Stephanie when Jack was with her, care so much about Jack and his well-being, growth, and development. So I know that on those days where I come home from work and I'm really selfish and I maybe forget to be super-mom that night, that at least earlier that day, someone picked up the slack for me and was an awesome "mommy" to Jack.
Am I proud to admit all of this? Not really. Do I wish it were different? Yeah. And I've been working really hard on becoming a better mother (and wife for that matter but that's for a different blog ;)) and trying not to instinctively always think of myself first. But at the same time, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the perfect mother I always thought I would be. That it's ok that it doesn't come as naturally to me as I thought it would. I don't have to be a Super-Mom to be a good mom. And to those super-moms out there who are actually able to give themselves 100%, 100% of the time to their kids, then I salute you. Because that's not me. And I guess that's ok. :)
Monday, January 31, 2011
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Love this!
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mom! I mean really, think about the mom who shook her baby to death because he started crying while she was playing Farmville. Jack is so blessed to have such a caring mom, who does do puzzles with him 7 times a night and reads him 15 books a day. We all need our alone time, and I don't think you should feel bad about that.
Also, gotta love husbands that step in when you need it most. Even if their video games seem way more appealing than a fussy baby (or inquisitive toddler). :)
I'm so proud of how you're doing as a mom. Now since I live so far away I don't get to see you guys, but the time I spent with you when I was home showed me that Jack is a happy, healthy, normal, and awesome little guy. For what it's worth, I grew up with a mom (well both parents really) who didn't always put me first and occasionaly had to do things for themselves, and I think I turned out alright ;o) But really, I knew that I had a network of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close family friends who were there for me and who I could turn to for different things along the way. I think it's important to keep your own identity as you raise your kids. So kudos to you and Josh :o)
ReplyDeleteThere is a Mommy secret that no one really likes to share, and that is that most Moms feel the exact same way sometimes. We are all doing the best we can and our kids are going to grow up happy and healthy even if we skip that 6, 7, 8th time playing the same puzzle. In the end we will be able to give more of ourselves when we have a little time on our own now and then. It isn't a failure...it is just being human.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs!
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteI love you!! You are exactly what Jack needs you to be....and believe me my dear friend, there is no such thing as a supermom (although Michelle Duggar comes pretty close in my book:)) Heather is right, we all need our time, and how awesome Josh recognizes when you need it most! Just know that we all struggle with the same things...I have days when I just wish to disappear. It is normal...as moms, especially today, we are faced with so many demands on ourselves. Thank goodness for the wonderful people we can rely on in our lives for support and encouragement!!
♥Steph
Haa, this made me laugh out loud. This was my fave mommy blog post. I often feel that way about my cats. Get off my damn lap! Ha - With that sentence alone, I show my incapacity to reply to this with a useful comment. Im not a mom, but I can tell you, Ive read some good literature written by moms about this topic and I think the census is in: No one can give themselves 100% 100% of the time, in anything! Give yourself a break, Jack is doing great! Or else have a baby and give him something to play with. I bet this comment really helped clear your mind, referencing cats and books and suggesting having a ¨distraction baby.¨ Look out Anne Landers!
ReplyDeleteAlso, that puzzle best be the Peru puzzle if Jack knows what is good for him.