Intentions Not Realized

When I created this blog, I had every intention of updating it on a daily basis. More importantly, I created it to have an outlet where I could get out all of my thoughts and experiences about motherhood, good and bad. That's why my "tag-line" is "always honest and sometime humorous." Unfortuantly, I don't feel like I've done this at all. I've occasionally griped about how Jack annoys me or about how I have no time, but really this blog as become more of an electronic baby book with photos, highlights, and milestone updates more than anything else. Therefore, at this moment, right now, I'm going to use this post to exclaim:
"Sometimes I just wish Jack would leave me the F*uck alone!"
There! That feels better.
But in all seriousness, I feel like I have this thought at least once a day. And then I feel terrible about myself. I truly feel like I'm a bad parent. Or at least not as great of a parent as I always thought I'd be. Growing up, I always knew I wanted a family. I thought being the "best mom in the world" would come naturally to me. Let me tell you, it does not. Not always anyway. My first instinct is not always to put Jack first. Sometimes (Ok. Let's be honest, often times) I have to seriously put effort into spending time with Jack and not completely ignoring him. I have to remind myself that it's a good thing that Jack has such a fondness for reading and wants me to read him 15 books a day and I shouldn't discourage him by saying, "No! I don't want to read you that book. We've read it 3 times today and I really want to watch Jeopardy!"
Does this make me a bad mother? Maybe some people would think so. I know I have a tendency to think so. I expect more from myself. I feel like being completely selfless should come naturally, and the fact that it doesn't must make me a mediocre parent. But you know what I'm really thankful for? The fact that when I might be "slipping" on my motherly duties, I have people in my life who pick up the slack for me. You know the saying, "It' takes a village to raise a child?" Well I really believe that. And of course my number one man who is there to take over for me is Josh. Josh has the uncanny ability to realize when I'm at a point where I need Jack to quit hanging on me and need some alone time. The perfect example being right now. I've had to stop three times now while writing this post to do the exact same puzzle with Jack (a puzzle that before dinner we had already done 3 times). As soon as I sat down to type again, Jack was at my side begging to me, "One more! One more!" as he shoved the puzzle in my lap. Josh came to the rescue and scooped Jack away without me even having to ask and they are now playing in his room.
But it's not just Josh. It's the other people that care for him too. I can say with 100% honesty that I'm happy Jack has to go to daycare. I've been so fortunate in having Stephanie and Sara in our lives. Both Sara, and Stephanie when Jack was with her, care so much about Jack and his well-being, growth, and development. So I know that on those days where I come home from work and I'm really selfish and I maybe forget to be super-mom that night, that at least earlier that day, someone picked up the slack for me and was an awesome "mommy" to Jack.
Am I proud to admit all of this? Not really. Do I wish it were different? Yeah. And I've been working really hard on becoming a better mother (and wife for that matter but that's for a different blog ;)) and trying not to instinctively always think of myself first. But at the same time, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the perfect mother I always thought I would be. That it's ok that it doesn't come as naturally to me as I thought it would. I don't have to be a Super-Mom to be a good mom. And to those super-moms out there who are actually able to give themselves 100%, 100% of the time to their kids, then I salute you. Because that's not me. And I guess that's ok. :)

I have so so much to update...

...it will take several posts.

For now, a conversation Jack and I had this afternoon as we were about to watch TS3 (for the 50 billionth time):

Jack: (in a sad voice) Buzz Bear (as he points to Lots-o on the cover)
Me: The bear in Toy Story is sort of mean, isn't he?
Jack: No....no mean.
Me: Is he just misunderstood?
Jack: No....
Me: Than what's his deal?
Jack: His tail.
Me: What? He's mean because he has a tail?
Jack: Uh-huh.

Conversations with 2 year olds are awesome because they rarely make sense.